The Invisible Fire-Breathing Giraffe and The Fridge Gremlins Pt.3

The Advent of The Fridge Gremlins

Canadians have always been known for their harsh winter conditions, their love of maple syrup and beer (presumably not at the same time), and their invention of hockey (and curling and basketball, but not so much the latter... damn yankees). But you see, it was never like this in the past. There were natives with their stick and hoop games. The metis and their raping and other methods of procreation, endangering our heritage from the beginning. And those damn Brits and their tea. It came upon one fateful day: years into the past. Many people may not know this, but Canada had a very bloody dispute on its national animal. Animals were searched for for months, and finally, the caribou, goose, beaver and gremlin were selected. All of these creatures - noble in their own right - were always known to be truly Canadian. But the gremlin was more so. These furry little animals loved maple syrup and beer, and shared a passion for ice. They mostly hibernated throughout the year, until the winter. Then they would come out and slide around on the ice “rinks”, therefore coining the term “rink rats” since they looked like rodent-ish things. They eventually started evolving, and by the mid 1870s, when the beaver was nationally known as far more Canadian since it stayed out year-round, the gremlins decided to create something that all Canadians could enjoy using their current level of mammal intelligence. They all got drunk and picked up some sticks - some believe because they were going to beat one of their own kind. But luckily that has not been proven correct, because one of them started shooting a small pebble around the ice. Over the long, sleepless night these gremlins invented what we know today as hockey. For about 3 years, the game was never really seen played by any humans at all. The gremlins, seeing that their waking time in the winter was waning, took to drastic measures. In 1875, late February, they took to the ice at midnight at Victoria Skating Rink in Montreal. A janitor working there spied this game and pitched it to his friends the next morning. On March 3rd, 1875, the first game of human ice hockey was played, and the Canadian stereotype was born, thanks to the gremlins. However, they did not receive any recognition for this grand achievement. Many decades passed, and as the long hibernations became lessened with each year due to the industrialization of the country, the gremlins decided they needed to change their sleeping patterns and living arrangements. It was June, 1945, and with the first world war at its close, the gremlins decided it was now they should arise to the human world. They looked high and low, and eventually came upon a town called Sudbury where a single youngster was playing outside. Their coats, heavy with sweat made them sluggish. The tribe of about 100 gremlins that survived all these years collapsed near the young boy’s house. He noticed that they were burning hot, so two by two he brought them inside, and placed them inside the icebox, where they stayed cool. The gremlins, also magical beings, granted the young boy’s deepest, most heartfelt wish in thanks for housing them for the time being. His wish: to grant knowledge to the masses in an entertaining manner. The boy: a 5 year old Alex Trebek. The gremlins thanked him for his kindness, and made their way to iceboxes across Ontario, until in the 1980s they all migrated to the Niagara Region, specifically the Welland Area, once again a flourishing tribe of over 50,000. Here they reconnected with their love for hockey. It came to pass that one day in 2008, as the Niagara College hockey team’s star player, Mat Hyland, was practicing with his compadres Jess Van Vugt and Patrick Fahey (who were decidedly not as good as him and also ninjas). As he took a shot, a gremlin slid onto the ice just inches into the flying puck. The hit was fatal. The gremlins had enough. Their history of being unappreciated and underestimated finally took hold of them, and the entire tribe swept onto the ice. Realizing that the only way to save humanity was to invoke his inner strength, Mat’s power manifested into Cryokinesis, the ability to freeze and demolish ice. Mat jumped into action sparing no icy punches. The gremlins were massacred, and with a tribe of just over 200 left of their initial 50,000 (approximately), they retreated, not to be seen until the Great Kitchen War of 2009.